


Complaints of a Potions Master

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Other, Parody, Sexual Content, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-17
Updated: 2006-07-17
Packaged: 2018-10-01 02:03:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10178183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Severus Snape, Potions Master extraordinaire, has a few complaints to make against people who write fanfiction about him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

Disclaimer: J.K. owns all. But Snape still makes his complaints to me, not her.

Complaints of a Potions Master

I, Severus Snape, have several complaints to make.

You people who write fan fiction have got me all wrong.

I am not, as most of you believe, some cuddly little plushy underneath. There is no underneath. I am stone all the way through.

I have never, nor will I ever, be attracted to my Godson, Draco Malfoy. Yuck.

I never have, nor will I ever, be attracted to Harry Potter. He’s too much like his father.

I do not slip love or lust potions to my students, nor do I ever inexplicably fall in love with any of my students.

I have never been in love before, and nor will I be – ever.

There are many things about my past that you don’t know, and I won’t ever tell you.

My father married my mother only for her money and promptly spent it all on alcohol.

My voice is not “sexy.”

My hands are not “sexy.”

No part of me is “sexy.”

I would never have sex with a student, of age or otherwise.

I have never been raped, nor have I ever raped anyone else.

Though I do masturbate quite frequently, I never do so to images of Potter, Granger, Draco, or anyone else, for that matter. It’s more of an abstract person, really.

I hate teaching, though I do enjoy scaring all those little twits they call students.

My office is decorated with slimy things for one purpose only – to terrify all that set foot in it.

I dislike Dumbledore with passion, and that is the main reason I killed him.

All of you people have these stupid theories as to why I killed Dumbledore that night. Here’s the real reason. I hated the manipulating bastard, and I was planning on offing him soon. Circumstances just happened to fall into my lap that night.

I do not regret becoming a Death Eater, and nor will I ever.

Voldemort is not in the habit of abusing his servants sexually – he much prefers to use the Cruciatus curse.

My chambers are not lavishly decorated. I hate decorations of any kind.

Contrary to popular belief, my favourite colour is green, not black, but I look horrible in green, so I choose not to wear it.

My favourite drink is not Firewhiskey, it's simple Butterbeer. Firewhiskey burns the throat overly much.

My nose was never broken, I was born with it. If you’ve ever seen my father, then you know.

If Voldemort hadn’t killed James Potter, I would have done it myself. Stupid, arrogant prick.

Some of you like to speculate that I had relations with that stupid Mudblood, Evans. No. Never. Disgusting!

MEN DO NOT GET PREGNANT! Even in the wizarding world. And even If they did, I would not be the father of Potter’s baby.

Potter is not my son, thank Merlin. If he was, I’d have to kill myself.

I am not a vampire, Incubus, or any of the other ridiculous creatures you people make me up to be. I am a human, unfortunately.

My hair is greasy because I, like the Wicked Witch of the West, will melt if I get wet. NOT!

I have always wanted to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts because it is so much easier to scare the little brats in that class. Also, I could curse them and get away with it.

Though I have never exactly wanted Harry Potter dead, that doesn’t mean that I wanted him around all the time, either. I tried as hard as I could to have him expelled. Damn Dumbledore saw right through me.

I do not like computers at all, nor do I like anything Muggle. My statements are being transferred by my acquaintance in my stead.

I do not have any friends.

I do not write for Potions journals. Nor do I do any research with Potions. My job is to teach and keep the infirmary stocked.

I am not liked by anyone, even Dumbledore. And I am most certainly not shagging Dumbledore, or anyone for that matter.

I hate Gryffindors not only for what they stand for, but because they are bloody infuriating and meddlesome. 

I hate the Ministry of Magic with passion, and I hope Voldemort overruns it and kills everyone in it. 

I hate the Muggle Parliament just as much, mostly because they are Muggles.

The little house I live in was my parents'. I only stay there because I don’t have enough money to move.

I am not afraid of Death.

I am not afraid of Love.

I am afraid of Neville Longbottom. That boy will kill me one day with one of his potions disasters.

I made the Unbreakable Vow because Draco is my Godson, not because I am in love with Narcissa.

I am not attracted to Lucius Malfoy, or any of the Death Eaters.

I have never been attracted to any of the Mauraders, especially not Lupin, and I will never be friends with Lupin.

I do get a laugh from the stories that portray me accurately, and when my acquaintance finds those kinds of stories she prints them out so I can read.

Once again, I am not “sexy.”

And most importantly:

I AM NOT GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I’m bisexual.


End file.
